2010 February 11

We Could Be Guidos

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It’s not every day that an ill-tempered troop of persimmon-skinned attention addicts with questionable hair and exceptional abs captures the heart of the fashion world. So what is it about the cast of MTV’s runaway reality hit that fascinates us so? Could it be that we recognize just a little bit of ourselves? To test this theory, we recast the show with chicsters we know and love. It was almost too easy. BY EMILY GYBEN

Like his Seaside Heights soul brother Vinny, “Benzy” is the least juiced monkey of the pack. (He’s vowed to start hitting the gym, though. Look out, Stitch!)

With an eye for the female form, a deep roster of busty plus ones, and a heavily gelled coiffure, party-hopping Cota could easily fill the Skechers of DJ Pauly D.

Reality-show infamy, bad attitudes, and jet-black dye jobs aren’t the only things uniting “K-CUTT” and her TV namesake, “J-WOWW.” They also scare the hell out of everyone and have a secret sweet side. If “Snoozy” Menkes ever got punched in a bar, “K-CUTT” would have her back.

The celebrated designer’s reality TV analog, formerly incarcerated share-house sage Ronnie is all about GTL—gym, tan, laundry. Sound familiar, Mikey?

Just like Jersey’s “Snooki,” “Snoozy” is impossibly small, says what’s on her mind, and never misses a party. But their true bond is in the coif. (Unlike Snooks, though, Snooz would never use a Bumpit.)

“The Situation” could use a lesson in chivalry from fashion’s straightest dressmaker. When Yigal does a “robbery,” the girl gets a free dress!

“Staceypants” and her Jersey Shore Gemini, Sammi “Sweetheart,” share a lot more than just saccharine nicknames. From their kewpie-doll faces, pressed brown tresses, and sequin addictions, we actually thought they might be related!

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