2011 January 24

Alan Cumming Is Here To Solve Your Problems

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Alan Cumming Solves Your Problems! Alan Cumming Solves Your Problems!
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Good Wife star & ami to the fashion world, Alan Cumming has agreed to answer your questions for his Chic column, Dear Alan. Check out his first—and warning, he doesn't hold back.

Dear Alan,
I go on dates which are fine and dandy, but it never quite happens for me. I have great friendships which make me happier. What's more important—love or friendship? Is it wrong to compare the two?
Signed, Losing Patience

"Dear Losing Patience,
I think the ideal thing in this life is to find someone who is your best friend and who you love, and you want to f*ck their brains out. I met quite a few friends because I slept with them, and I think it's great to have that intimacy, and then have it segue into great friendship. Your friends become your family, and I think it is right to value them, but comparing love and friendship seems to me to sully them both. Relax. As that great philosopher Phil Collins said: You can't hurry love."

Dear Alan,
I'm young and have the choice between living in NYC or London. Can you tell me what you think the difference is? Where were you at 20?
Signed, Curious

"Dear Curious,
I have a really good visual gag about the difference between these two cities which sadly will not translate here, but essentially London is on the back foot, arms folded, an eyebrow arched and murmuring softly, 'Oh, really?" whereas NYC is leaning in towards you, eyes wide open, and shrieking, 'No, Really? Shut up!' I wish I had known NYC when I was 20. Mind you, I didn't even know London then. I barely knew Glasgow."

Dear Alan,
My mom makes me feel uncomfortable about my weight. I'm happy in my own skin. Should I just tell my Mom to f*ck off?
Signed, Fed Up

"Dear Fed Up,
No, Of course not. Tell her she is a stupid fat b*tch, and to cease transferring her own body issues on you."

Dear Alan,
I found naked pictures of ex-girlfriends in my boyfriend’s phone. So what did I do? Deleted them. I admit, snooping doesn’t make me look very good, and they’re old photos, so it’s not like he’s cheating. But my friends think I should fess up to him before he finds out on his own. My feelings? If he notices they’re gone, then that means he’s looking at them in which case I dare him to say something. What would you do if you found the nudie pics
Signed, Trust Issues in Philly

"Dear TIIP, 
Oh, wow.  Who is the injured party here?  Do you not think your boyfriend might think of previous lovers naked whether or not he has pictures of them in his phone?  And these pictures were presumably given to him by them, not acquired though tawdry means like snooping?  If it really pisses you off that he is looking at these pics then you should have told him, not deleted them, because now you will only doubly incur his ire when he inevitably finds out. I think it is more reasonable to have naked pictures of former lovers on your phone than it is to snoop into someone's phone and delete some of their files, but maybe that's just me. Sounds like you are feeling insecure about your man's desire for you, and I think that is what you should be addressing with him instead of this rather Glenn Close behavior." 

Dear Alan,
How can I have more fun in my life?
Signed, Blah

"Dear Blah,
Buy a trampoline. Or, if you don't have room for one, make sure you go out dancing at least once a week." 

Dear Alan,
I'm turning 50 this year and appear to have missed the boat on becoming a rock star. I occasionally sing on-key, and was once told that I dance like a white Catholic by a very groovy chick. Is it too late for me?
Signed, The Next Tina Turner? 

"Dear Tina,
Yes, darling, I fear it is. But you can always be a rock star inside."

Please send questions for Alan to chicreport@chicreport.com

 



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